I was a quiet child. I got involved in a few things but never felt I really ‘fitted’. We moved around a few times, largely due to my Dad, and housing was an issue a couple of times. We spent a couple of months in emergency housing in a hotel, and then we were housed in a terrace: a two up two down for a family of four.
Four soon became three when Dad left, then we were rehoused in a decent house. My Mum still lives there 45+ years later!
I realised through this experience that my four walls were me. My difference was being trans, so the walls were my own body. However I tried to mould myself and conform to expectations, that wasn’t going away.
I was 33 when I “came out”, and that helped.
12 years later, in 2010, I realised the person I saw in the mirror wasn’t me anymore. The woman inside was looking out of the windows of a prison, through the eyes of a body that was wrong. I had to change.
I started that journey in 2011, and physically achieved balance in 2013. Fast forward to 2025 and I’m now happily married. The four walls around me are now spiritually, emotionally and physically home, and you have helped through that journey.
To me, “Stargazing” is a way of imagining what might be. I spent so long dreaming of how things might be in the future. I reached for those stars and arrived in a world that, while not perfect, is far far better than I hoped for in the past. Your music has followed me on the journey for some of the way, since I first heard “Paper Thin” in 2016.
The progress pride flag represents my story and all the people who are trapped either in their own internal four walls, their own space or the so called “closet”, unable or not allowed to be their true selves.
The four walls that people have to build around themselves can be really oppressive and lead to far more LGBT+ people having mental health issues. My own were really quite dark until the start of my journey out towards a lighter place.
“My object is a paper flower my daughter made me in Year 3 at school.
I attached the flower to the rear view mirror in my car, partly so I had a safe place for it and partly so I could look at it and think of her. It always makes me smile.
Over time it has taken on more meaning.
A few years ago, pre-Covid, I was under a lot of stress at work, and I broke.
I spent a lot of time at my desk planning routes to the upper floors. I observed how easy it would be to get up there without anyone seeing me. I never planned the route back down.
I wasn’t in a great place. My family were supportive, but the one thing that grounded me through that period was this paper flower hanging from my rear view mirror. It was a constant reminder of my daughter’s love for me, and my love for her and my family. That’s what stopped me from leaving them behind.
Thanks to the paper flower, I started taking antidepressants, changed jobs and found a better balance in my life.
It might seem odd that something so simple could be so important to me, but every day it reminds me of what I still have. It reminds me to be grateful for so much.”
“When he was born, Gillen spent a month in Great Ormond Street with a heart condition called TGA (transposition of the great arteries). Essentially your two main arteries are the wrong way round, meaning that the oxygenated blood is not circulated to your body. Only a couple of additional holes in his heart kept him alive.
When he was nine days old I carried him down to theatre for open heart surgery. Handing him over to the surgeons was the most awful thing I’ve ever done.
We were told Gil may not survive, and we didn’t know if he would have any limitations in the future, so each day is a blessing.
Despite that scary start to life, he has gone on to be the most amazing person. Aside from his collection of scars and a tendency to go a bit blue in the cold, you’d never know what he went through. We’ve always treated him as we would any child, but it’s always in the back of our minds that nothing can be taken for granted.
Gil has always been massively into cars and always wanted to race. He’s now nine, and regularly wins local races. When he entered a National Championship recently we warned him it would be a lot harder, and he was not to worry if he finished last.
He came third.
It’s incredible, if terrifying, to watch Gil race – and he certainly doesn’t get his driving ability from me! We’re so proud of him.
I can’t begin to tell you how much we love him. One of my favourite quotes is from John Candy in “Planes,Trains and Automobiles”:
“Love is not a big enough word.”
Gil helped design his own racing helmet with a heart as part of his logo, so I thought it would be great to get it in the House Of Stories.”
“When I was in my early teens I was part of a Mediaeval Re-enactment Society in my hometown of Sheffield.
Formed in 1973 by my parents and three or four other families all connected with the Police force, they named it Escafeld, the old name for Sheffield, and the group is still going strong today. In the early days they were trying to grow it, so I asked my best friend from school if he would join. We were both 13.
At the time my friend’s hobby was playing in the local brass band, which had reformed in the late 1960s and were also looking for new players. We struck a bargain: he joined Escafeld and I joined the brass band. I started out on Tenor Horn, but ended up on trombone after a suggestion by the conductor.
When we were around 20 years old, my friend and I both quit Escafeld. I moved away for work, and my friend had become a knight and was fed up of getting hit on the head with swords. We both carried on playing in (different) brass bands, and I kept going despite moving around for work until I was 32. At that point we had our two daughters and moved to Leeds, where I still live, and I stopped playing. Largely because of the children, but also because I fell out of the habit.
My best friend who started me off happened to live close by us in Leeds, and he and his wife played in a local band. We also had children who were almost the same age. When their daughter decided to learn to play, and joined the youth band connected to her parents band, my youngest daughter decided to learn as well. They were both around 13 at the time. I decided to help out by playing with the youth band, and dusted off the trombone after 14 years of inactivity.
My friend’s daughter gave up after about a year, but by then my daughter was committed to carry on because she had chosen to do music for her GCSE’s, and had moved to a bigger youth band a few miles away. I followed her, playing in the same youth band and helping them, eventually joining the senior band 20 years ago. I am still playing and enjoying it to this day.
My favourite times are taking part in the national contests. Briefly, banding is divided into five sections by ability and there are annual contests between bands in the same section and geographical area. The winners get to play against the same level bands from each of the nine areas around the UK. There is also promotion/relegation between sections in each area, so it’s similar to football but at a local level.
Over the 59 years since I started playing, bands I have been part of have managed to win through to the finals seven times.
On a less positive note, my most memorable moment was accidentally re-enacting a famous scene from the film “Brassed Off”. If you haven’t seen it I recommend you watch it.
“Brassed Off” is a powerful history of life in the ‘80s for people in the mining industry, following a brass band and its struggles to survive when the local pit closes down. In one scene the band is on a march, and the main trombonist drops his slide while playing. He is seen scrambling around trying to pick it up as the band plays and marches on.
I did the same on a march once, and it was highly embarrassing.”
“It was 1989 and I was in San Diego, CA playing in a band on weekends and working as an electrician during the week.
I worked with a guy named Matt, and we had started the band after a few weeks of shop talk about music. At the time we were both into the same stuff: what in retrospect we’d call pre-or early grunge. Pixies, Tad, Soundgarden, Black Flag, and pretty much anything on the Sub Pop label or Taang Records.
We’d heard Nirvana’s first single “Love Buzz” the year before, and were excited to get their first full album “Bleach”. Our favourite moment on that record was the bass intro to the first song, “Blew”. It was the coolest intro we’d ever heard – we wanted to marry that intro. Matt and I told our bassist Mitch that he MUST learn the bass part, and we were goddam SURE going to play that song at our next gig. We told him we’d even buy him a bass (he’d been playing his Dad’s old 1970’s Danelectro which wouldn’t stay in tune).
New instruments were out of our price range, like most things during our 20’s, so off to the pawn shop we went. Mitch had been talking about the different kinds of feedback he could get with an open-bodied bass, so I was immediately intrigued by a violin-like hollowbody down at the end of the wall, weirdly priced at $247.50.
This one looked like McCartney’s Hofner made by someone on acid. It was a deep Chinese red and shiny as hell. No fret buzz, smooth and warm. Silky. The neck was straight but there was a 1/4″ ding on the upper back, at the 14th fret. It wasn’t enough to make the finish fall off, but it was cracked and could be felt. I laughed and said “It’s a bass – you shouldn’t be playing this high anyway”. That turned into a long-standing joke.
Mitch loved it, and we were sounding good for the next two weeks. “Blew” was a killer played live to our alt-indie music community. That’s when Matt and I got fired for drinking beers during lunch.
I called Mitch, whose Mom told me he couldn’t play with us anymore because he had been arrested for assault and robbery the night before. She very decently returned the bass, and I started looking for work. It took me about a month to find a new job, and I had to pawn a few things to pay the rent.
From the pawnshop, I got a loan on the bass and a few other items. In this way I stayed off the street until I went back to work. My employment history from this period of my life reads like a who’s who of electrical companies in the San Diego area.
I was working but not thriving because of too much partying. This pattern continued for the next year or so, and I was a regular at the old pawnshop. Put something in for being short on cash, pay it back plus 10% a week later – that is, if I could afford to get it out of hock. One of those times, I couldn’t. I got a $70 loan on the bass and couldn’t afford to get it out before the loan expired.
Driving by the pawnshop I could see it up on the wall in the same place it was 6 months before, weirdly priced again at $247.50. It wasn’t flirting around anymore. Now it was a stern rebuke; I was ashamed.
These kinds of feelings grew over the next months, and I finally took action. I had dropped out of college a few years before to play music, now I lied about my qualifications and got a job as an electrical engineer for a large government contractor called Raytheon Corp. The thing was, the job was out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at a military base where they had a plant that destroyed chemical weapons. No more staying out too late, no more drugs of any kind. Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) discipline.
It was just what I needed – I was out of control and getting worse.
To make a long story a bit longer, it worked. By the time I finished with my overseas journeys in 1998 I had an actual career as an Electrical Engineer. I’d finished my degree while out in the islands, and now that I had some self-respect, I was respectable.
Around 1992 I had taken up computers and the internet as a hobby, and I entered that industry when I got back to the States. Around this time my creative side, which had been sleeping off the late 80’s, started to reawaken.
By 2001 I was working in Silicon Valley, the embodiment of the dot.com world. At a little music store the size of a grade-school library, I saw a guitar on half-price sale: a 12-string Samick Nightingale. I bought it immediately, and I still own and love it. All of a sudden I was back in the business: my first love (music) was still my deepest. I started lurking on eBay, window-shopping all the cool gear.
One spring day in 2003 I was scrolling though bass guitars. I didn’t have one at the time, and I was helping with a record my friend’s band was making. My job was to listen to the demo and play bass to it, then send back the mixed version. Out of the blue I remembered the red bass that had looked so abandoned the last time I’d seen it. The pawn shop was gone; the land sold for a condo project. Then I remembered the brand name: Kent.
The first 20 or so results of my “Kent” + “bass” search were all unremarkable solidbody Precision bass knockoffs. Then there it was: one that looked just like mine except for the tobacco-burst finish, which I thought was ugly as sin. Another scroll, and I saw it. Chinese red. The pictures weren’t all that detailed, but I figured what the hell. $300 was a decent price in Wisconsin and wouldn’t break the bank.
The bass arrived a week later in the usual Big Box Of Guitar. I was a bit disappointed at first: it smelled like cigarettes which made me fearful of its condition, but I tuned it and played a bit and it seemed to be just fine otherwise. New strings, and it was even better. The neck was dead straight; I always worry about hollow instruments. Setting the action brought it back to life.
I wanted it to smell like carnauba wax instead of cigarettes, so I began a methodical cleaning. Remove all electrics, clean/check connections. Chrome polish bridge cover. Lemon oil fretboard. On this bass I used Cobalt core strings; I like the combination of flatwound warmth and cobalt kick, Orange Crush 25 freq set to keep some higher tones in. Now for the wax: Mother’s California Gold carnauba wax.
It was obvious this piece hadn’t had a good cleaning for years. So before the wax, I did a gentle once-over with Meguiar’s polishing compound. The body looked alright; some moderate checking of the 40-year old paint. Headstock was ok, remove strings to clean machine heads. Sprinkle graphite, wipe off graphite. The neck…
The neck. A ding on the upper side of the back. About 1/4″. As I started counting frets I felt a tingling sensation work its way down my spine. The ding wasn’t enough to make the finish fall off, but it was cracked and could be felt.
I couldn’t avoid the thought: “It came back to me.”
I felt myself tear up a little, and I stupidly wondered what paths the bass had been down, to end up halfway across the country in Wisconsin, while I was trying to become an adult halfway around the world in Oceania.
It didn’t matter, I decided. I shouldn’t have been playing that high anyway.”
I was very down around the time we got him as a puppy, and he gave me something to focus on.
He’s a real character and very stubborn!
About 18 months ago he was badly attacked by an XL Bully and a Rottweiler who had escaped a nearby house. It took about 20 minutes before my Dad and I could get him away from the other dogs, and by some miracle he survived 7 hours of surgery.
Tibetan Terriers are interesting dogs, originally raised by Tibetan monks and kept as good luck charms, mascots, watchdogs and herding dogs. Local villagers refer to Tibetan Terriers as “the little people”, and many believe their spirits are the reincarnation of departed monks.
Rocky is a typical Tibetan. Descended from the great “Fabulous Willy”, a famous Tibetan who was Best In Show at Crufts in 2007, he’s very stubborn, does what he wants and rules the roost. They always pick one person in the family who they follow and idolise – my Dad, not me!
His attack in 2023 was a very bad time for him and our family, but we’re so glad he made it against all the odds. He’s had a good life so far besides, and turns 14 in July 2025.”
“I was trying to think of an object to commemorate my late father.
I remember him telling me about his childhood in Nazi-occupied Greece, and how Larissa, the small town he was evacuated to, was liberated at Easter 1945.
He said his first sign that the Allied forces were approaching was when he heard Greek soldiers singing the traditional Easter carol, Christos Anesti, with great gusto. So I thought of the Greek Easter bread, the tsoureki, though I suspect flour and eggs would have been in short supply, let alone cochineal for dyeing the red egg.”
Last week I wrote about how underground punk legend John Otway’s books and film have been inspiring me to cook up the most outlandish plan of my musical life so far.
I’m here today to tell you all about the logical next step in the story of my illogical, 100% independent music career.
If you’ve known me for any length of time, you know there is no “Team Penfriend”.
From writing, producing, arranging, recording and performing the songs on my albums (with ace guest musicians drafted in when needed), to laying out the text on the CDs and vinyl packaging, writing and designing the lyric books, shooting and editing my videos, building and maintaining my website, releasing the albums on my micro-label My Big Sister Recordings with all that entails, and walking your merch orders up to my local Post Office twice a week – hi, I am Team Penfriend.
With honourable mention to my beloved Tim who is very supportive and helpful (if you’ve ever seen one of my ads, he set that up), I’m the one running the whole shebang.
This is not a brag: I say this only to underline the absolute ridiculousness of my last two album releases going into the Official UK Albums Chart. Not the “glitter-grunge synth’n’guitar alt-pop” albums chart, but the full-on, overall, why-the-heck-are-ABBA-always-still-in-there? albums chart.
I love ABBA…but, come on!
In 2021, music fans like (and possibly including) YOU put my first Penfriend album “Exotic Monsters” at #24 in the overall chart and #5 in the Independent Albums Chart – the chart for artists on independent labels, from big ones you’ve heard of to very tiny one-person ones mine.
In 2023, music fans like (and possibly including) YOU put “One In A Thousand” (my collaboration album with Rat from Ned’s Atomic Dustbin) at #14 in the overall chart and #1 in the Independent Album Chart. NUMBER FREAKING ONE!
These numbers blow me away. Look what we did!
Between my efforts to make and share music and your absolutely stunning generosity and support, we can do huge things. And over the two years since my last album release I’ve received so many messages from people like (and possibly including) YOU telling me what fun it was to stick it to “the man”, and asking when are we going to do it all again?
Honestly, I talked myself out of writing this email a few times. And then I realised I was letting them win! These big powerful structures that we’re not meant to be cheeky towards, let alone pay a visit to. These places that aren’t meant for the likes of us, because we didn’t do it their way.
I was too busy making seven albums to schmooze the right people, and I don’t regret my decisions for a minute.
OK…we had a Top 30 album together. That was wonderful. Thank you!
Then we had a Top 20 album together. Unbelievable. Thank you!
Where do YOU think we should go next?
…
…
Top 10. I’m whispering. Should I say it out loud? Should I shout it?!
Could we? Shall we?
WHY try and get in the charts?
Because it’s FUN. Because it’s FUN-NY. Because I’m sick of only the people with huge amounts of financial backing getting all the things – radio play, multi-page magazine spreads, TV slots. Because it’s an example of the sort of big things I think we’re all individually capable of if we decide we’re going to go for it. Because it shows what a passionate community of music lovers care about, and thrusts it, albeit briefly, to sit alongside the mainstream.
Because it shouldn’t be possible for a 43-year old solo artist making music in a colourful Nottingham attic to have her name and made-up record label listed alongside ABBA.
Even though, wait, yes I THOUGHT so… (spot the ABBA Gold): 2023:
2021:
I don’t make music for the mainstream, I make it for you. And both times I’ve had albums in the Top 40 it’s been a victory for every single person who voted with their purchase of an album made by hand with loving care.
So, how do we get a Top 10 album in 2025?
This is the thing. Even though passive streams of big famous songs on playlists count as 1 chart sale per 1500 plays (!), and my streaming numbers are utter garbage because I refuse to advertise giant companies that don’t treat me well, this idea doesn’t feel thatridiculous.
Around 7,500 UK residents currently hang out on my big mailing list. And another 270 brilliant people are here. Hi!
So far, we have clocked up around 1400 chart-eligible sales from pre-orders of “House Of Stories”.
Thank you!
To have a chance of getting into the Top 40, we need to find loving homes for another 1500 copies of the new record in the next FOUR weeks.
To get into the Top 10, it’s another 3000 copies on top of that.
Is this totally ridiculous, or is it a fun idea?
There are enough of us here to make this happen, even without the help of other people around the internet. But you know I love creating experiences around my album releases, so I’ll be busy with blog posts, videos and live events over the next few weeks for all to enjoy. I hope you’ll join me!
“House Of Stories” is an album that celebrates age, experience and personal power. In the 20 years since I wrote the first two songs that appeared on my debut album (“I Am” and “ghostsandshadows”), my life has completely transformed.
From strumming my guitar on a bed squashed into the corner of a tiny bedroom in a dirty shared house in South London to making music and videos in my colourful attic home studio in Nottingham, with all the adventures I went on in-between, making the songs I wanted to make sound exactly how I wanted them to and finding creative ways to share them with you has been utterly life-changing.
Taking my music projects into my own hands was a necessity from the start – with no manager / label / agent, no industry help of any kind (moral or financial!), I have always funded everything I’ve made through freelance work and huge amounts of support from music fans crowdfunding and pre-ordering my albums.
I’m so grateful for what I’ve managed to build with your help. Thank you.
The second verse of the title track goes like this:
“Trapped in our warm bodies Still brimming with hope Reaching the highest places We think we can go”
In 16 years of releasing music online I’ve learned that interesting things can happen when I spend my time in positive, generous ways. But even greater things can happen when you decide on a destination.
I’ve decided.
I’ll leave you with this helpful quote by Normal Vincent Peale, the writer of “The Power Of Positive Thinking”:
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”.
You may recall I have a rocket ship at my disposal.
My new Penfriend album “House Of Stories” is available NOW on super limited vinyl, CDs and KiT hybrid digital albums, with accompanying tees, hoodies and books. Music fans got it to #2 in the Official UK Independent Album Chart in April 2025. Bonkers!
Join The Correspondent’s Clubon Patreon to receive quarterly bundles of art and members-only music plus extra perks + immediate access to my entire digital archive (digital and analogue memberships available)
Four weeks from today I am releasing my sixth solo album “House Of Stories”: my celebration of age, experience and (hopefully) wisdom.
Helping me face up to ghosts from my past, the new songs are for anyone who’s felt trapped in the wrong four walls – literal or metaphorical, caused by others or self-imposed.
My musician pal Charley Stone1 visited the Launchpad a few weeks ago to help me create a full-length album video and audio podumentary. Among her insightful comments and questions she described some of the tracks on “House Of Stories” as “soothing”, which I took as a great compliment.
I will never pretend everything’s okay in my songs, but the more music I make the more I want to leave you feeling hopeful and included. I love creating experiences within, around and leading up to my music releases (hence these posts), and I’ll always keep inviting you to get as involved as you want to.
Speaking of which…
Last year I shared a video where I decided to think Very Big Indeed2, declaring that in the year 2027 I will be headlining Shepherd’s Bush Empire.
Titled “It’s time to set some ridiculous goals”, I made it to choose optimism over pessimism, to dream big instead of opting for pragmatism all the time. Not sitting back and wishing for things to happen to me, but directing my efforts in exciting directions that seem out of reach, so I can work very hard to try and get there.
In the comments, Correspondent’s Club member David told me about a fellow musician called John Otway3.
“The list of things he’s made happen in his career, by pretty much just saying he’d do it, is clear evidence you can make amazing things happen.”
I was excited. I devoured everything I could find online about John, watched his Netflix film, ordered both of his books (and immediately read them both) and even sent him a friendly email to say thank you for the inspiration.
And so it’s John Otway’s (and David’s) fault that I’m gearing up to unveil the most outlandish plan I’ve cooked up so far in my 28 years of making music.
I’ll tell you more next Friday.
To tide you over…I made a rare appearance on a music podcast! Thanks to sharing my music and writing on Substack, I made contact with Tim and Chris at New Sounds Union, who asked brilliant questions and made me feel right at home (I find these things nerve-racking when I’m not doing the editing).
Titled “How an independent artist tops the charts”,my episode is available here. I talk about how 10 years in the school orchestra led me towards arranging and producing my own songs, why I think doing stuff and keeping going is most important and how amazing music fans are (thank you).
Back at Penfriend HQ, the HOS goodies are starting to arrive – I love this part of releasing albums!
** VINYLLLLLL **
The four publicly available vinyl colours are looking absolutely stunning!
** CLOTHING **
The sample tees and hoodies were printed this week by local Notts printer Phil at Whitewater Design & Print and I’m just glad I don’t have to choose between them…thanks to Jessica Wild and Daniel Catt for the beautiful designs!
I won’t be printing many more tees / hoodies than have been ordered by the end of next weekend, so make sure you secure your size ASAP (XS-4XL available).
** KiT Hybrid Digital Format**
The KiT samples arrived from Seoul this week, coinciding with a mention of “House Of Stories” in Music Week!
It’s true, HOS will be the first completely independently released chart-reporting KiT album in the UK…very exciting.
My new Penfriend album “House Of Stories” is available NOW on super limited vinyl, CDs and KiT hybrid digital albums, with accompanying tees, hoodies and books. Music fans got it to #2 in the Official UK Independent Album Chart in April 2025. Bonkers!
Join The Correspondent’s Clubon Patreon to receive quarterly bundles of art and members-only music plus extra perks + immediate access to my entire digital archive (digital and analogue memberships available)
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My new Penfriend album “House Of Stories” 
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