Sometimes it’s better to wait

by Laura Kidd

Ten days ago I wrote 1,208 rather self-pitying words about my situation as an independent musician. I was tired, perhaps a little burned out, and feeling overwhelmed by the big structures making everything so much more difficult every time I do this (the existence of streaming, rising costs of producing physical goods etc etc blah blah blah).

To be fair to me, I was waking up every day at 6.30am with a clench in my stomach, thoughts racing. I’d lie there and decide right away the day ahead was absolutely impossible. I could only fail, so what was the point in trying to get through my To Do list?

I’d close my eyes and hope for sleep to return, waking late and annoyed with myself for missing the gym – again.

Luckily for me – and for you – this meant I didn’t have the time or energy to return to those words, shape them into something more coherent and share them with you. A week later I scanned through them and realised they were working-out-words, not words to be read by others, and I blushed a little at the self-indulgence of considering publishing them in the first place.

This year I’ve tried to get into a regular practice of writing more not necessarily to share more writing, but to do more thinking.

Writing is how I figure stuff out, which means there are no wasted words, but when I see those words piling up in my Scrivener sidebar a part of me (the part that also panics about money all the time) wants to make the most of them, because writing is also how I intrigue, tempt and persuade people to listen to the music I make.

Creating albums is my main thing, but if I hadn’t worked writing into the heart of it all I wouldn’t be making such a go of it, I’m sure.

As someone who appreciates honesty on the internet, I don’t want to hide my tough times under a fake sheen. I’ve always made a point of sharing my process as a self-taught music / video / audio producer, because I want others to see an example of the possibilities available if they put the time and effort into the thing they really want to do.

I don’t believe in only sharing happy days and successes, because it paints a warped picture of things, but I decided long ago that it’s important to me to bring optimism to the online spaces I spend time in. And when I’m writing to supportive music fans, busy with their own trials and tribulations, health issues, financial struggles and all the rest, why on earth would I want to complain directly to them about how hard it is for me sometimes?

At the start of this year I decided to try out this “word of the year” thing I’ve seen people talking about. The first word that came to mind is “gratitude”, and the moment it flashed up in my brain hole I experienced the resistance my 20’s and probably 30’s self would have felt if someone had suggested it.

“Urgh gross what?”

I took that as a sign to face up to my discomfort, and to use this word to try and reframe my world. It’s been very helpful so far.

My feelings do matter – as do yours – but whatever I’m going through I am healthy, I am well and I am living my absolute dream of creating whatever the hell music I want and figuring out ways to send it out into the world to find the people who will love it the most.

Feeling the feelings and writing the writing are essential tasks on my busy To Do list, of course, but sometimes it’s better wait and make sure I’m showing up with something interesting / useful / not too whiny.

I am free, I am grateful, and I can write overly long sentences whenever I like.

Thank you for reading – I’m grateful for you, too.

Love,
Laura xxx

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