Five and a half years later…I’m not “back”

Five and a half years later…I’m not “back”

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31/5/25 – Rae Dowling

Last Saturday 31st May I played my songs on a stage in front of people for the first time in 5.5 years – and it didn’t feel like I thought it would.

Between 2005 and 2019 I played around 600 shows as a solo artist, usually completely alone but occasionally with a backing band. Sometimes supporting artists you’ve heard of, often putting on my own nights and championing bands I liked.

Before and alongside that I toured the world as a hired bassist and vocalist for artists including Tricky, Viv Albertine, Lil’ Chris, The Penelopes and Alex Parks. I went on Top Of The Pops with A-Ha. I toured Italian piazzas with Duncan James from Blue.

I have played a LOT of gigs in my life: some amazing, uplifting, life-affirming; some upsettingly bad, why-on-earth-am-I-doing-this-to-myself affairs. At the end of 2019 I wanted to stop. I needed to stop.

When you can’t find the joy in the thing you thought you wanted to do more than anything in the world, it’s time to take a big step back.

Oh hi, burnout!


Touring used to be a huge part of my identity. From 2005 onwards I loved being on the road. I hated routine, I’d routinely say, and loved being somewhere different every day. I loved the unique communities that gelled together for one night only, I loved sharing my music with people and occasionally hearing them singing along.

I loved the heroism of playing to a cold room of another band’s fans, winning them over usually by around song three of my set. Some rooms were colder than others, but I always got at least a handful of people interested, sometimes a lot more, and the feeling I got when that wave turned was addictive.

When I was hired to play for other artists, I loved supporting their vision by contributing to the sound of the band on stage. I loved being paid for my musical skills, and calling music my job.

I loved ticking off every single country on my “list of countries I’d like to visit one day” without having to pay for a single flight myself, and I loved the surprised respect I garnered from people when they heard who I was playing for, or saw me pop up on TV.

I remember watching as other musicians I knew gave up life on the road. One by one they chose a steady job, getting married, having children. I knew I didn’t want the latter, and didn’t expect I’d ever have the option of the other two.

I didn’t understand why someone would choose to turn their back on what they loved.

I couldn’t comprehend that they might have fallen out of love with it.

I didn’t think I ever could.

Photo by Ania Shrimpton


2019 did it. A grind of support slots with largely disinterested audiences. Saying yes to things that made no sense (£50 slots 4 hours drive from home, no potential audience crossover). Unfriendly slash downright rude headline bands. An entirely avoidable driving incident that cost me more than I made on the entire tour.

I needed a rest. I had already decided my first solo project She Makes War had to end, so I started to wind everything down. One last solo headline show. One last band headline show (sold out!). One last tour with my friend Robin Ince: a truly life-affirming, lovely experience.

And then we had a worldwide pandemic.

My new Penfriend project was scheduled to launch on 1st May 2020, featuring a host of online and remote physical elements: my Correspondent’s Club membership, quarterly music and zine bundles, regular blog posts, regular livestreams, a podcast series and a new YouTube channel. I hadn’t started thinking about gigs or tours. I didn’t want to.


When it became clear it wasn’t safe to perform live, I chucked the idea of it away entirely. I didn’t miss it. My identity shifted away from fearless road warrior with chaotic home life towards thoughtful creative practitioner, building routines that nourished my work and allowed me to give so much more to my community than random support slots could.

In March 2021 I made internet waves one Monday evening with a video about why I wouldn’t be touring that year either. I made it to encourage others to really think about the consequences of their actions, and the majority of people commenting thanked me for saying what they’d been thinking.

I thought gathering people in a small room was reckless. I couldn’t stomach the idea of being the reason people got ill. I didn’t want 150 people breathing in my direction for a minute, let alone the entirety of my set. I knew there were other ways I could continue to show up for my music-and-community-starved audience, so I kept doing that.

And then the years rolled by, as they do, and I kept making and sharing albums. Without the distraction, exhaustion and expense of gigging and touring, I was able to make more things to last: more music, more videos, more connections with people all around the world.

I kept playing livestreams when they went out of vogue (having started playing them in 2014, way before they were in vogue), commuting up to my attic in my slippers to say hi to people across the globe, sharing music, time and space.



As musicians, we’re supposed to want to do certain things, and we’re supposed to go along with things that don’t entirely make sense because they’re supposedly good for our careers, or are the logical next step towards what we’re supposed to want to achieve.

If we don’t do these things, there are people waiting online to enthusiastically badger us about doing them.

“When’s the tour?”

“Get on tour”

“Can’t wait to see this live!”

These are all compliments, I know that. I am fortunate to have people requesting my presence on stage. Thank you for the compliment.

But I will continue to push back against the idea that creating music from thin air, crafting it into songs and soundscapes and finding fun ways to share them in beautiful physical formats isn’t enough without a live performance of those songs on exactly the right night, in the right location, at the right price for those demanding a gig.



After “One In A Thousand” came out in 2023, whenever someone asked me why I wasn’t touring now the worst of the pandemic was over, my go-to answer was “because I can’t afford it”.

This was, unfortunately, true. More importantly, I didn’t want to. And I kept not wanting to right up until the moment in early 2025 that I annoyed myself so much with the “touring is too expensive” mantra that I decided to do one local show the day before my 44th birthday.

When I started performing my own music live in 2005 I vowed to keep things sustainable: that’s why I played so many shows completely solo. No additional musicians, no crew, just me. I loved being self sufficient. For years I revelled in fitting a little guitar amp, pedals and a megaphone in one rolling suitcase and stuffing my merch in another, arriving at venues to comments like “are you going on holiday?” then doing a Mary Poppins and pulling weird item after weird item out of my bag at soundcheck.

In early 2025, on the cusp of releasing my third album in my new Penfriend era, it started to seem ridiculous and a little churlish to keep refusing to share my songs in a room with people who wanted to enjoy them.

I decided that if I couldn’t sell enough tickets to a local show to cover costs and pay myself and anyone else involved, I would know it was the end for me and venue gigs. If people didn’t want the tickets I was selling, I would take the hint. No hard feelings. Let the fans decide.

The fans decided.

31/5/25 – Rae Dowling


Due to my garbage streaming numbers, no promoter wanted to take a risk on me. They refused to take my chart positions or my 10K mailing list into account. So just like the good old days I hired the venue myself – thank you, Rough Trade Nottingham!

The gig sold out in about a week – thank you, music fans!

I sold all but 10 of the tickets through my email list and online shop, so no marketing budget was needed – thank you, email list!

My husband ticked everyone off as they came through the door and handed them an envelope full of goodies: a signed souvenir ticket, stickers and a flyer – thank you, Tim!

To ward off the solo artist blues of yore I hired my friend Carol Hodge to accompany me on keys and vocals for most of my set, and she also supported me with her own gorgeous music and played a stunner as usual – thank you, Carol!

All that remained was to play the show.

My main concern was that nerves would overtake me at the crucial moment, ruining my weeks of prep and rehearsal, making me look a fool in front of 150 fans of my music, disappointing them, myself and everyone in the vicinity.

Oh hi, imposter syndrome!



I had a big think about it. I decided my main job on the day was to stay as calm and present as possible. I was to go into gig day with no expectations of greatness or abject rubbishness. I would be a worthy human standing amongst other worthy humans, exchanging energy. That would be enough. (Though I still wanted to be able to play my songs well.)

I did it. I played well. I exchanged energy. I stayed present. When the generous applause came my way, I didn’t turn away or crouch down to fiddle with a guitar pedal like I used to. I stood in quiet gratitude, accepting the audience’s thanks.

It didn’t feel like I thought it would. I didn’t get an adrenaline rush. I didn’t feel nervous on stage. It felt comfortable. It felt good.

I couldn’t have asked for a more attentive, open-hearted audience. When they started singing along at the end of my first song “Scared To Capsize” (a SMW set-closing classic), I knew we were embarking on something special together. The singing along didn’t stop for the rest of my set. They laughed, they applauded, they played along with all of it. I felt held, supported, encouraged and loved. Thank you so much.

And afterwards? A quiet satisfaction. A glow. A midnight burger because we didn’t have chance to eat dinner before the show (some things never change). No plans for bigger better more more MORE. Just gratitude.

31/5/25 – Rae Dowling

Saturday night was a big moment, but all the things I’ve created since I stopped touring in 2019 have more than filled any potential void. Perhaps playing venue gigs will become something I do a few times a year. Perhaps one of my musical heroes will invite me out on tour with them. I’m more open to it after last week’s gig, but where in my former life as She Makes War I jumped at every opportunity (often living to regret my haste), Penfriend is far more discerning.

Some people have commented that it’s great to see I’m “back”. I’m not “back” – I never went away.


I have four more self-promoted Penfriend shows this year, and no live plans whatsoever yet for 2026.

Get your tickets and exclusive tour tee direct from me here.
Support at all shows is from the fabulous Carol Hodge.


Wednesday 17th September
MANCHESTER – The Lodge @ Deaf Institute

Thursday 18th September
BRISTOL – Rough Trade

Wednesday 24th September
LONDON – The Grace (formerly Upstairs at The Garage)

Thursday 25th September
BIRMINGHAM – Hare & Hounds

Love,
Laura xxx


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PS yes, my songs are available everywhere else you listen to music online.
Just search for Penfriend, She Makes War and Obey Robots.

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Better still ⤵️

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Penfriend LIVE online: Wed 5th March, 8pm (UK time)

Penfriend LIVE online: Wed 5th March, 8pm (UK time)

Letterbox Live performances Music News

Tap here to set up a reminder, watch on the night or watch anytime afterwards x

NEXT

Thank you for visiting!

🎁 Tap to get your FREE 12-track album + 31-page PDF zine of stories, photographs and artwork here.

🏠 My new Penfriend album “House Of Stories” is available NOW on super limited vinyl, CDs and KiT hybrid digital albums, with accompanying tees, hoodies and books. Music fans got it to #2 in the Official UK Independent Album Chart in April 2025. Bonkers!

❤️ Join The Correspondent’s Club on Patreon to receive quarterly bundles of art and members-only music plus extra perks + immediate access to my entire digital archive (digital and analogue memberships available)

🎸 Listen to my first Penfriend album “Exotic Monsters” and browse my back catalogue here.

🎨 If you make things too – or want to know more about the creative process – I’m sharing thoughtful weekly essays here on my experiments in art, music and life on Substack (and I won’t be at all offended if you prefer to read my stuff there rather than on this absolutely gorgeous website).

💬 Chat with me on BlueskyTwitterInstagram and Facebook.

See you soon xo



PS yes, my songs are available everywhere else you listen to music online.
Just search for Penfriend, She Makes War and Obey Robots.

You could even subscribe here to send a message to the algorithm overlords that Penfriend rocks!

Better still ⤵️

Share this:
I face my pretty tragedies… “Exit Strategy” live from Lightship95 (2011)

I face my pretty tragedies… “Exit Strategy” live from Lightship95 (2011)

Creativity Homepage Feature Letterbox Live performances

“Exit Strategy” performed live on the Lightship95 music studio boat on the River Thames, November 2011.



This song originally appeared on my 2012 album “Little Battles”, released under the name She Makes War – vinyl and CD versions are available in my shop.

At the end of 2011 I assembled a temporary band of superstars in their own right to showcase four songs from my upcoming second album “Little Battles”. We spent a whole day filming on the Lightship95 music studio inside a pink boat moored on the River Thames, and this is one of the songs we played.

Band members:
Annie Gardiner – bass
Dana Jade / Ms Mohammed – guitar
Tom Gardiner – drums

Video shot so beautifully by Ed Christmas, edited by Laura Kidd.
Audio recorded and mixed by Jarrad Hearman, mastered by Ian Shepherd.

🎶 Browse my entire back catalogue – She Makes War and Penfriend – here.



Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

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Please don’t leave me yet… – “Please Don’t” Live from the Archive (2015)

Please don’t leave me yet… – “Please Don’t” Live from the Archive (2015)

Creativity Homepage Feature Letterbox Live performances

“Please Don’t” performed live on vocals, guitar and violin at Ort Cafe, Birmingham, 24th March 2015.



This song appears on my 2016 album “Direction Of Travel”, released under the name She Makes War.

Violin by Simon Goff.

Recorded by Dan Hayward, mixed and mastered by Jay Chakravorty. Video by Blacklight Productions.

🎶 Browse my entire back catalogue – She Makes War and Penfriend – here.



Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

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I’d like to delete myself… – “Delete” Live from the Archive (2015)

I’d like to delete myself… – “Delete” Live from the Archive (2015)

Creativity Homepage Feature Letterbox Live performances

“Delete” performed live on vocals, loop pedal and megaphone at Ort Cafe, Birmingham, 24th March 2015.



This song appears on my 2012 album “Little Battles”, released under the name She Makes War.

Watch the self-shot music video here.

Recorded by Dan Hayward, mixed and mastered by Jay Chakravorty. Video by Blacklight Productions.

🎶 Browse my entire back catalogue – She Makes War and Penfriend – here.



Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

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Limited live album release + “Devastate Me”

Limited live album release + “Devastate Me”

Letterbox Live performances Music News

I performed nine songs live on the internet on Wednesday 26th October 2022, and am making the studio quality recordings available for a short time only.

The theme of the show was “Sad songs to make you feel better”. It’s all a lot at the moment, isn’t it, and I’ve always found writing and listening to supposedly sad music very cathartic. So, far from being a depressing time, it was a chance to hang out with a friendly bunch of music fans and feel our feelings. 

GET THE ALBUM on a pay what you want / can basis. This is a limited release – only available publicly until 13th November. 


Watch the full livestream here.

PS “Devastate Me” first appeared on my 2018 album “Brace For Impact”, released under the name She Makes War.



Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

LYRICS
This is a song for the heavy hearted
Lost friends and the dear departed
Kiss like a cannonball
Handle your alcohol

We disappear so quietly
Devastate me
We’re crying out, so eager to please
Devastate me

Sign up and enjoy the static
Scream along cos we’re so dramatic
Does the world need this piece of you?
Easy to speak but it’s hard to be heard
We’re not so wonderful
Mortalis digital
Watching ex-lovers age
Blood on my internet page

We disappear so quietly
Devastate me
We’re crying out, so eager to please
Devastate me
We disappear so quietly
Devastate me
We’re crying out, but nobody sees
Devastate me

We disappear so quietly
Devastate me
We’re crying out, so eager to please
Devastate me
We disappear so quietly
Devastate me
We’re crying out, but nobody sees
Devastate me

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If “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift was indie rock…

If “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift was indie rock…

Letterbox Live performances

Introducing a very special guest backing vocalist!



Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

LYRICS
I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis
Tale as old as time
I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving ‘cause you got tired of my scheming – for the last time

It’s me
Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out
Slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman 
Tale as old as time
I wake up screaming from dreaming 
One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving and life will lose all its meaning – for the last time 
It’s me

Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers ‘round and reads it
And then someone screams out
“She’s laughing up at us from hell!”

It’s me
Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
It’s me
Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
It’s me
Hi
Everybody agrees
Everybody agrees

It’s me
Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At teatime
Everybody agrees

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Lead me with your lovely lies – “Butterflies” live from Lightship95 (2011)

Lead me with your lovely lies – “Butterflies” live from Lightship95 (2011)

Creativity Homepage Feature Letterbox Live performances

“Butterflies” performed live on the Lightship95 music studio boat on the River Thames, November 2011.



This song appears on my 2012 album “Little Battles”, released under the name She Makes War.

At the end of 2011 I assembled a temporary band of superstars in their own right to showcase four songs from my upcoming second album “Little Battles”. We spent a whole day filming on the Lightship95 music studio inside a pink boat moored on the River Thames, and this is one of the songs we played.

Band members:
Milly McGregor – violin
Dr Kat Arney – harp

Video shot so beautifully by Ed Christmas, edited by Laura Kidd.
Audio recorded and mixed by Jarrad Hearman, mastered by Ian Shepherd.


🎶 Browse my entire back catalogue – She Makes War and Penfriend – here.

Join my mailing list for free songs and stories, subscribe here for future videos and get involved from the start of Penfriend album #2 by joining The Correspondent’s Club.

Have a lovely day! xo

Share this:
FREE online gig 26/10/22 – “Sad songs to make you feel better”

FREE online gig 26/10/22 – “Sad songs to make you feel better”

Letterbox Live performances Music News

The theme for my next FREE online gig is “sad songs to make you feel better”.

It’s all a lot at the moment, isn’t it?!! – and I’ve always found writing and listening to supposedly sad music very cathartic. So, far from being a depressing time, it’s a chance to hang out with a friendly bunch of music fans and feel your feelings. Like any other gig, then, but the drinks are cheaper and the crunchy snacks won’t bother others.

Mmm, popcorn.

If you’d like to request a particular song from my Penfriend and She Makes War back catalogue please leave a comment below!

The show will take place on my YouTube channel – subscribe here and tap the “get reminder” bell.


THANK YOU for visiting my website! I’m Laura Kidd, a music producer, songwriter and filmmaker based in Bristol, UK. It’s great to meet you.

+ Get two free songs immediately when you sign up for thoughtful letters about art and music.

Get your copy of my album “Exotic Monsters” and browse my back catalogue right here.

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+ You can also follow me around the web, on TwitterInstagram and Facebook.

Have a lovely day xo

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